Some times in life we are dealt a pretty crappy hand. We don’t understand why in most cases. You can follow every direction and rule and strive to be the best person but still, heartache happens. To your knowledge and understanding it just doesn’t make sense. There is no humanly explanation to why these things happen. But they do. And to many. Me included. Good news! God has a plan.
In my life I have had to go through some serious health issues. Not only physical issues, but more importantly emotional ones as well. I realized that I could handle the physical struggles if I could just stay focused emotionally. One in particular time that God really worked with me on this was when I had my first miscarriage. Those are so hard. And even though your body is doing what it is supposed to do, your mind has the hardest healing process to overcome. The emotional struggle is real. Very real. And so many times, I felt I was alone, lost, broken and quite frankly, pissed off. How could I have a miscarriage? Why did God allow me to lose this baby? WHERE ARE YOU NOW THAT I AM HURTING? WHERE? I had to face Tomithy with the heart ache. I had to explain to Samari that she wasn’t going to be a big sister. Then came the calls to parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends. Every call came with another wave of emotions and the “Oh. I’m so sorry.” ” At least you have one kid.” ” Count your blessings. ” “Is there anything I can do for you?”. I just wanted to yell “YEAH! BRING MY BABY BACK!!!”. Of course I knew they couldn’t, but I was mad and I wanted answers right then!
Even though I was mad at God, I knew I needed his guidance. He was the only one who was going to help me through this trial. I demanded answers. I had to understand why He allowed this to happen. I really laid into Him. I showed Him my true feelings and heart ache and just how mad I really was. He was the only one who was going to help me through this trial. I demanded answers. And ya know what? I got them. When I couldn’t dish it out anymore, and I just sat there, waiting, He showed me. My mind started seeing my life if I would have kept that baby. I saw a very sick baby hooked up to machines. Long hospital stays. Putting my new baby through a life time of surgeries and their own physical and emotional struggles. I saw Samari growing up without parents because of them taking care of the new sick baby. How would I ever be able to handle raising my sweet daughter if I was in the hospital all the time trying to save my sick baby. Ya see, God showed me why I lost my baby. He was taking care of something that Satan had screwed up. He knew the desires of my heart. He knew what kind of mom I wanted to be. And He knew what Samari would need in a mom. He was taking care of our family.
There was still an up hill battle I had to overcome. Many tears were shed on that climb. I would find myself feeling sorry for myself. But if I was going to get better, the only way I could was with God. I had to really rely on Him to strengthen me to get over the hump. Every day got a little better. Every day we made it through the heart break as a family. And every day, more blessings rolled in reminding me why things happen. I saw laughter in my daughter that I appreciated more than before. I saw her imagination take us on amazing journeys that I never saw before. And the best part, I saw her grow into this amazing young lady with a relationship with God. And when the time was right, and the stars were all in a line, and I was healthy (both physically and emotionally), God blessed us with a very happy, healthy little boy, Stoney.
I feel that because these things have happened, I can share my story with others. The journey is hard. Life isn’t always going to be wonderful and happy. You have to look for those blessings in the storm. They are there. Trust me. We don’t always understand God’s plan, but someday we will.
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